I have no idea why my posts are either 2 words and a bunch of pictures or epic-length rants about life. I was doing general site maintenance and noticed that my most recents posts have either been small novels or lame “hello I swear I still write this see I have pictures to prove it” posts. That bothers the crap out of me. Please hold me to higher standards than that.
Maybe I’m overcommitted. Perhaps, just undermedicated. Either way, I have come to realize a little more each day how unhappy I feel with my life. I realize that I am young and believe me when I say I’ve had my fair share of disappointments and dark times in my young life – but that doesn’t really affect my current situation. [Affect = verb. Effect = noun. Because I know at least one of you wondered.]
There are many factors feeding the general cloud of doom and gloom floating over my head, but one of them seems to slap me in the face daily. This whole not-being-ale-to-see-the-future thing is just not working out for me.
I am a planner. It’s just what I do. I thoroughly enjoyed my college search – which began in the 7th grade when I was introduced to the Princeton Review. When I was an undecided major, I had the college course catalog memorized. (That’s not an embellishment. Ask my roommate.) I can easily and happily spend hours researching graduate school programs, different internships & apprenticeships, even jobs. I love possibility like most people love their morning coffee. Because that’s what all those things are to me – possibilities.
I also hate options. It seems contradictory, doesn’t it? Aren’t they basically the same thing? Probably. But there is a thin yet clear distinction between the two in my head. Possibility, by itself, allows for unlimited creativity and idea generation. Most of my internal dialogue revolves around constant idea generation. Options, on the other hand, are nothing but overwhelming and headache-inducing. Options were someone else’s possibilities and ideas – just not as good as mine.
Right now I am surrounded by far too many options, with precious little room for possibility. I can either do that, or this. And if I do that, then I can do this, but not the other thing. Make sense? It doesn’t to me, either.
As a planner, there is nothing quite so uniquely painful as feeling incapable of choosing one such option. But let’s bring this from theory to reality.
I am considering culinary school. I am also considering a Master’s degree in food studies, such as the program at BU, or at the recently discovered University of Adelaide (yeah…Adelaide, Australia.). I am also considering finding a pastry apprenticeship instead of culinary school (but not necessarily instead of graduate school), as it would allow me to work in the field while getting paid a little, as opposed to paying a lot of money for something of which I’m still questioning the use. I am also considering taking on another internship or
ten two, and applying for a language assistant program in Spain. And then of course, there is always the question of a job. I’m not sure I really want one – but I have noticed a jealousy pang every time I see someone my age who gets one. But that is perhaps another post for another time.
See? Options. They suck.
I’m not saying I don’t see any possibilities in all of these – I’m saying that I am so overwhelmed by the choices to be made, there is no space in my brain to consider any.
I do realize that no one path is necessarily binding. People make life-altering career changes all the time – I’ve seen it, I know it, and I am in no way against it. I just can’t figure out which path will get me where I want to go.
HA! And therein lies the problem – I don’t know where I want to go. I know I love baking & pastry, I know I want to learn more about it, but I don’t know if it’s the career I want – it’s not super-intellectual, and as you can probably tell from this little portion of my internal dialogue, I spend a whole lotta time thinking. I also know I am thoroughly enjoying my communications internship, and am shocked at how deeply curious I am about the PR/Events/Communications field. Then there is my long-time interest in publishing & editing – I am slowly discovering that I don’t want my whole career to be about writing, but it needs to be in there somewhere, and I am very happy putting my obsessive-compulsive eye for detail to work for others.
Options. I’m damn tired of them. And yet I can’t seem to stop finding them.
And then, of course, there are some of us who never have to even bother with words like possibility or options. Some of us to whom the only word that really matters is cookie.